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America Is Nuts

08.09.2003 | POLITICS

It's official.

Today I woke up and accepted that I no longer live in a real country...or even in a real world. Instead, I live in a satire. Yes, it's true. 2003 is the year that reality became a television genre, and the sartorial insanity of "The Simpsons" spilled out of the set and into our flesh-and-blood existences.

This opinion has been building for weeks, years even...perhaps dating back to the literal blow-by-blow account of the Clinton-Lewinski affair. But, considering what a surreal summer this has been, I can no longer accept that this twisted state of events is merely a phase the United States is passing through. Nope. A phase consists of a short spell of unusual behavior. Should America choose to do things in a moderate, calm and informed manner...that would be a phase: our breaking free from the normal day-to-day routine of being completely nuts.

Don't believe me? Still think that America the Beautiful is playing with a full deck? Well then, let's look at some recent plays in the game, shall we?

Homosexuals and progressives rejoiced when the Supreme Court overturned the sodomy laws in this country. Conservatives, of course, went ballistic, demanding that marriage be defined by the government as an institution between a man and a woman...which prompted both our president and the Pope to issue similar proclamations...urging the citizenry to love the sinner, hate the sin.

Where's the insanity here? For starters, having sodomy made legal in the US is a great step towards true equal rights (for both gays and for people who don't want the government in their bedroom), but we're celebrating a ruling that's eons behind the rest of the Western World. If it took America years to reach the level of equality gays enjoy in Western Europe, then the conservatives have little to worry about regarding gay marriage for quite some time, no?

Also, considering that the Catholic Church has been involved in priestly-pedophilia for millennia, perhaps they should reconsider taking any stand regarding sexual acts in the future. Remove all of the pomp and circumstance, and the Catholic Church is an organization that's anti-gay, but pro-child abuse and silence. In short, its perfect for the United States! It makes no sense...and yet, it pretends it does!

And, when did the separation of church and state become a chalk line drawn on rain-soaked pavement? If the president and his supporters insist on using the Word of God in their arguments for war, against gays, for tax cuts, against state assistance, I think we should start calling him Bishop Bush...or King George. Since Jesus doesn't pay taxes, he shouldn't influence policy.

Ironically, all of this is happening while "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" has been making ratings records for Bravo. Bizarre, indeed.

But this hot, homosexual summer of fun is just the surface to be scratched. There's not enough lithium in the universe to medicate America's psychosis. Ann Coulter has written a book called Treason, where she finds Joseph McCarthy to be an American patriot, and all liberals to be treasonous terrorists! Of course, it's a best seller.

What I find odd about Ms. Coulter, is that she wants America to return to a more traditional state of values and cultural beliefs...which would remove her female-ness from the best-selling charts and place her back in the with a bun in the oven...effectively back where she belongs, according to her own agenda! And she's a conservative hero, regardless of her lies and half-truths.

Speaking of lies, when did misleading and misdirecting the American public regarding a potential war become an issue NOT to investigate? We impeached Clinton for getting fellatio and lying about it...should the same thing not happen to Bush? Of course not! Everyone knows that blow-jobs are a massive threat to the nation's security and economy...much more so than an unprecedented, pre-emptive war that's costing billions a month!

Worse still, with all the liberal attention focused on the lie (as a way to get Bush out of the White House), we're disregarding another question: what if it wasn't a lie, and those alleged WMD are missing? Where are those Weapons of Mass Destruction now? Iran? Saudi Arabia? Yeah, I know. I'm stressing over nothing, silly! Maybe I should just go take a walk... New Mexico, where Texas State Democrats are isolating themselves in order to keep from voting on redistricting in the state. I don't know what's worse, that the Republicans, having failed to get this redistricting done the legal way, pulled some very nefarious strings to get their way...or that the people elected to govern us can't work together. But again, I know I should chill out...and look at the Texan insurgency as a vacation for lawmen!

Thank goodness they didn't vacation in California...which is involved in recalling their governor. Indeed, the list of candidates reads like the setup for a joke: "The Terminator, a porno king, and Gary Coleman enter an election..." Can't wait for the punch line. Officially, California has replaced Florida as the Screw-Up State Of States! This recall is making the 2000 election look like a well-run enterprise. And this, my friends, was what I awoke to today. They couldn't parody this on "The Simpsons" if they tried.

So, what's next on the insano-train? Here's a sure bet: the White House will conduct more tests regarding global warming, claiming that we don't have enough quantifiable information...despite the tens of people dropping dead from a record heat wave in Europe. The color-coded system of terror will be expanded and reformed...even though nobody uses it or know what it means. Cars will still be SUV-big, and guzzle gas, regardless of the extraordinarily obvious connection between petrol and terrorism.

And the majority of the country will still support George Bush, through record-high unemployment, through lies and deceit, and through another election...rigged or otherwise.


Because we're nuts.

About the Author
Aaron Michael Gordon is a 29-year-old professional advertising writer in South Florida. He wrote the short story "Depth," and the plays "Venus Descending" and "Emotional Alimony," as well as a variety of award-winning national and regional print/radio/television ad campaigns. Some of his other work can be found at, and at, under the "Guest Columnist" section.
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