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Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

09.14.2005 13:08 | DISPATCHES

The Intelligent Design movement continues to press ahead, determined to undo the theory of evolution, which is quite simply the greatest intellectual achievement of humankind. The theory of evolution has allowed us not just to explain our own origins and our relationship to the species around us, but also the origins of war, the origins of morality, and the emergence of markets and capitalism.

But, really, who needs all that?

If, however, we are going to teach intelligent design, we should do so fairly, which means we should give equal time to both creationists and adherents of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Flying Spaghetti Monsterism holds that the earth was created by a flying spaghetti monster, and that when we die we go a heaven with strippers and a beer volcano. Awesome! The Church was founded after the Kansas School Board temporarily lost its mind and voted to teach Creationism. The FSM founder sent a letter to the school board outlining his theology and demanding equal time:

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him...

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease....

I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Needless to say I urge everyone to accept Him and join the faith.


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