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Santorum Solves the Catholic Church Scandal

07.12.2005 09:59 | DISPATCHES

Pennslyvania Senator and all-around wingnut Rick Santorum has figured out who was to blame for Boston's Catholic church pedophilia scandal: liberal professors at MIT. I kid you not.

This morning's Boston Globe has a column by Brian McGrory detailing Santorum's thesis that the Church scandal happened in Boston because Boston is overrun with liberalism.

''When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political, and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm."

Right. When asked to elaborate, his spokesperson said:

"It's an open secret that you have Harvard University and MIT that tend to tilt to the left in terms of academic biases. I think that's what the senator was speaking to."

Right. As a native Bostonian, I can personally attest to this. I used to live near MIT, and it's hard to forget all the pro-molestation propaganda you'd see there. And on election days I clearly remember starting to pull the lever for Democratic candidates, then pausing and thinking to myself, "but aren't I just encouraging those child molesting priests?" and then just deciding it was worth it anyhow. I'd yank the lever. "To hell with the children!" I'd scream, and all the depraved liberals around me would cackle and foam, and then we'd dance around the polling station.

Things haven't changed much now that I'm ensconced in a liberal university on the opposite coast. I still feel, every time I run a regression analysis or put together a database, that I'm just pouring fuel on the child molestation fire. I mean, liberal universities and priests--what connection could be clearer?

Rick Santorum is the third-ranking person in the Senate, and one of the most powerful Republicans in the country. Aren't there Republicans out there who are the slightest bit embarassed that this is their spokesman? I mean, at some point it becomes time to take back the Party, no? I don't fear the intelligence of my opponents--I fear their stupidity.


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