Party Pooper

10.15.2007 | POLITICS

First he pleads guilty, then he takes it back. Senator Larry Craig wants it both ways, and it's not the first time. But the problem isn't one lone senator looking for kicks in a Twin Cities airport men's room. Ted Haggard, David Vitter, Jeff Gannon, Mark Foley, and now not-quite-former Senator Larry Craig share more than a permanent spot on the living room couch. They are part of a greater problem in this country, an epidemic of sorts. They are right wing hypocrite pervs.

The number of right wing hypocrite pervs is growing every day. It seems there's one every time you turn around, especially in a stall. It is estimated that there are as many as eleven million right wing hypocrite pervs (RWHPs) in the United States. The exact number is not known, because most of them are afraid to come forward, though several have come backward. Employers are reluctant to turn them in due to their own culpability and the limited pool of sincere right-wingers. Particularly hard hit are political offices, as right-wing non-pervs are increasingly opting for legitimate employment in business, agriculture, education, and Formula One racing.

Before we become the laughing stock of the French—or perhaps after—it is time to reform our entire approach to RWHPs. First, we must recognize their personal hell. Sex with your significant other in a private setting is, of course, unspeakably boring. Days filled with speeches at Bob Jones University followed by nights packed with surfing the net for kiddie porn is a cross no Chamber of Commerce member should be asked to bear. And there is a special burden that comes with personifying the law while trying to keep it real in the bedroom. Just ask J. Edgar Hoover. Abu-Ghraib, after all, was nothing if not a closet right wing perv fantasy acted out by POWs.

We must make the workplace more RWHP-friendly. We need designated bathroom stalls—safe, clean, soundproof, and equipped with a condom dispenser—for controlled, scandal-free political hook-ups. We need designated interns, whose sole purpose is as a ready, safe, HIV-free concubine for their potential employer. Even the campaign trail is a minefield for right wing hypocrite pervs. How many babies can you kiss before you finally give in to temptation and use your tongue?

We must end sting operations and commence fling operations. RWHPs need to find more than just random partners. They need to find each other. There is no safer bet for a stable, meaningful relationship between uber-moral posers than that between two RWHPs. Planning is already underway for a dedicated website for right wing stall pervs:

Prison, though it may be a hell of a lot of fun, is the wrong place for RWHPs. They require rehabilitation in a positive environment. We must offer amnesty to all closet perv Republican senators and congressmen. Come out now with your studded collars and leather cowls or we'll see you later on To Catch a Predator. Come clean and we will work with you. You will be issued a two-year guest perv pass and fined five thousand dollars.

Before applying for permanent non-perv status, RWHPs will be required to return to their native country. However, most RWHPs were born right here in the USA. Such pervs will be deported to their home towns, where they will undergo extensive regression therapy in the locker room at the Y.

The RWHP twelve-step recovery program will include apologizing to all wrongfully impeached Democratic rivals and making a list of all stalls you neglected to fumigate. The program will strongly encourage appeal to a power higher than oneself—the Senate Ethics Committee.

Upon reentering society, RWHPs may seek gainful employment as porn webmasters, sex shop clerks, and skin flick best boys. Unfortunately, complete rehabilitation of an RWHP is not a reasonable medical possibility. That is why, using Megan's Law as a model, legislation to enact a federal Foley's Law is now being drafted. Foley's Law would provide a national database of all right wing perv elected officials within a one-mile radius of each and every constituent and a list of John Birch Society members to prank on Halloween.

Many of these services must extend not only to RWHPs themselves but to their non-RWHP peers as well. Middle-of-the-road and left wing pervs are often the primary victims of RWHPs. Perhaps more embarrassing than a Republican learning his peer is a perv is a perv learning his peer is a Republican. For any fellow perv, the notion of having been lied to for so many years during bathroom rendezvous and steam room trysts is a real party pooper.

More study of these issues is still required. For instance, it has not yet been determined whether leaning right causes perversion or perversion causes one to lean right. It may be a little of both. What is apparent, however, is that all too often self-hatred better serves the self when packaged as hatred of others and used as a fundraising tool. Clearly, it's time to turn the page.

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