Who Really Is Karl Rove?

From the Dossier of an Ex-Patriot.

Karl Rove was born in 1950 on Christmas day. We'll leave the question of whether it was God's idea of a holiday gag gift to the earth for another day. Bet you didn't know, though, that he didn't find out the man who raised him wasn't his biological father until he was nineteen — during his parents' divorce proceedings!

Between his parents' sin of omission and his mother's emotional illness (she committed suicide), a cloud of suspicion has settled over the matter of Rove's beginnings. As Bush's nickname for him, Turd Blossom, suggests, Rove's growing medium may have been a kind of night soil of the natal soul.

Five theories of his origin have been advanced. They read like this: Karl Rove is the spawn of —
1. Richard Nixon and Anita Bryant.
2. A pig and a dog.
3. George H.W. Bush and his long-time mistress, Jennifer Fitzgerald.
4. The in-vitro fertilization of a Bavarian maiden by Joseph Goebbels's frozen sperm.
5. Richard Nixon and Tricia Nixon. Wait. Rove's too old — Ann Coulter's their blighted offspring.

Rove's biology aside, a peek into his psyche was afforded by a paper in the Journal of Psychoanalysis, Volume 86, Number Three: "Rove's rage over the concealment of his real father's identity, fused with George Bush's resentment toward his parents for withholding news of his beloved little sister's leukemia, synergized into a monstrous destructive force that's been laying waste to vast stretches of the continent since Rove got Bush elected governor of Texas."

Okay, I made that one up. But surely, if anyone can appreciate a tall tale, Karl Rove, the great fabulist of our time, can.