Okay, let’s face facts, Ms. Coulter. We’re stuck in an elevator, and it’s not the fault of the liberals. Let’s make the best of it. As it turns out, I’ve always wanted to know where you get off. So recently, I read your book Godless, which I now call Clueless. Yes, I bought the book. But this was a research project, and since I found it in the discount rack, I’m hoping no more of my money went to you than went to Adolph Hitler some years back when I bought Mein Kampf.
Now, I can’t say I read the whole thing, but I didn’t watch all of Faces of Death either. About a half hour or so in, you pretty much get the idea. But then again, maybe I don’t. What did you mean on page 131 when you said, "Liberals keep talking up WWII, why not this war?" Maybe because Iraq didn’t invade Poland. Maybe because Iraq didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor. Maybe because Iraq didn’t bypass the Maginot Line. Maybe because Iraq hasn’t annexed Austria and Czechoslovakia. I don’t know -- you tell me.
What exactly did you mean on page 7 when you said, "Environmentalists’ energy plan is the repudiation of American and Christian destiny, which is Jet Skis, steak on the electric grill, hot showers, and night skiing."? Moreover, why did you leave out melted polar ice caps, falsified intelligence, and astronomical public debt? For that matter, what did you mean on page 23, where you wrote, "Environmentalists can be dismissed as stupid girls who like birds."? At least try to be fair. We environmentalists normally refrain from dismissing neo-fascist demagogues as media whores and airheads, even if they happen to look like Big Bird.
What were you trying to say on page 6 when you stated, "The theory of vegetarianism is that Americans consume ‘too much’ energy."? As I understand it, the theory of vegetarianism is not to eat meat. Most of us are less interested in transforming the world than in transforming our own intestines. Ironically, no pundit in recent memory has transformed my own intestines more than you.
What were you getting at on page 135, when you said, "There is no plausible explanation for Democrat behavior other than that they long to see US troops shot, humiliated, and driven from the field of battle."? Not true. We just want you driven from cable. And what on Earth were you thinking when you devoted pages 28 through 35 describing the Miranda decision as the worst ruling in Supreme Court history? When the authorities eventually haul you in -- and with a mouth like that, it’s merely a matter of time -- I can only hope everything you’ve said is used against you.
Yes, Ms. Coulter, where do you get off? In page after page of Clueless, you wail on everything environmental. As we all know, it was radicals like Richard M. Nixon who ushered in this dreadful age of environmentalism with insane, destructive, socialist legislation such as the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts, from which we still haven’t quite recovered. Pro-Judeo-Christian mantras leap from your text, but there is nothing about you that is particularly Christian. Jesus was most concerned with the least among us, not major stockholders in Halliburton. Does your hair get caught in lawnmowers?
As for the Judeo part, the Torah and Talmud are replete with prohibitions against overworking the land and abusing animals. But if you insist, go ahead and chow down on as many hormones and antibiotics as you like. Mad Cow Disease might actually improve your state of mind. While you’re at it, go hunting with Dick Cheney.
Before the evil, unionized building custodian rescues us, why don’t we gaze back through American history and see where a time-traveling Ann Coulter lands? During the Revolutionary War, you pen a pro-Loyalist pamphlet called Treason. Same title as the volume you put out in 2003, but without FOX, it gets remaindered in first printing. During the Civil War era, you are all about the Dred Scott decision and pop a blood vessel or two calling for Lincoln’s impeachment.
You are anti-Sherman Antitrust Act and have a bulimic fit when Standard Oil is broken up. You are coo-coo for Coolidge. New Deal? No deal. FDR is a communist. The Cold War? No one is colder than Coulter. Public execution for Arthur Miller. Civil disobedience is uncivil. Prosecute Rosa Parks to the full extent of the law. A Coulterized America is an America shorn of even the remotest hope for the less-than-privileged. Did you know your head was about to explode?
Back in the here and now, on page 26, you openly profess a desire to murder Michael Moore. But even more than Moore, what you really hate is the two-party system. And even more than left-wingers, what you despise are moderates. The left-wingers are not your real opposition. We are. By the way, I don’t hold the plagiarism against you. If you can find anyone else willing to accept responsibility for this propaganda, let them.
Sadly, even with millions in the bank and an entertaining war or two on the tube, you appear desperate and frustrated. Maybe that’s because it’s beginning to dawn on you that the 90-degree right turn in public opinion you have for so long so glibly forecast is nowhere to be found. If 9/11 produced only a momentary right lean, your day will never come. Your golden days are now. Enjoy them the way you claim, on page 103, the 9/11 widows enjoy their husbands’ deaths.
The ultimate irony is that after years and years of spewing "pro-family" venom, what you are missing -- perhaps even more than a conscience -- is a family of your own. Endless days and nights of washing, feeding, diapering, worrying, and falling back asleep for a stolen 15 minutes are just what the doctor ordered for a healthy dose of character-building, apolitical reality. It is motherhood alone that can rescue you of all people from a perpetual funk of partisan sneering and derision. Hopefully, Joe McCarthy froze some sperm before checking out in a drunken haze.